Posted by: mountainmomma18 | July 2, 2009

The Sister-in-Law Saga: It’s like Tolstoy but with more swearing

So it has been a long day, starting with going out to the car and finding the back window smashed out. Someone had peppered the back of the car with rocks and if I ever find that someone I will be hard pressed not to go all stabby on them. Fortunately we have insurance, paid extra for the rental car option and way back when I was able to talk the husband out of the $1000 deductable. So my ride is in the shop until Wednesday, something about it taking longer because of America’s birthday or some other crappy reason. I mean yeah it’s cool that it’s America’s birthday, but what has she done for you lately right? It’s because of her economy that you should be working on my car, not getting drunk on a boat somewhere trying to grill slabs of beef on Friday. At least do me a solid body shop guys, please do not get so drunk that you attempt some fireworks shenanigans and blow off a hand or something because really I need my car back, I got plans and shit, regardless of whose birthday it is. But that is not why you all (and by you all I mean like the 3-5 people who actually read this blog) came back right? I mean I teased you with the crazy sister in law story, so maybe I should just shut up and tell it right? So first things first I think bat shit crazy needs a name, let’s call her Ashley. Why? Because it seems that all girls her age are named Ashley. I mean really, was this the best name anyone could come up with in eighties? Seriously? Anyway, so I left off with my brother living in my mother’s guest room after leaving the dumb as a rock coke head finance. So a few weeks into his exile in the land of middle aged women 9my spinster aunt lives with my mother), my brother starts bringing home this new girl, who he leaves in the living room with my mother and aunt while he changes clothes or whatever. Mom calls to tell me that she seems nice enough, if a bit young (24 to my brothers 30, I mean he has bad taste in women but he’s not a pervert or anything), but she is really quiet. She hardly opens her mouth and no cajoling by my mom seems to work. A couple of weeks after meeting Ashley my mom calls with a concern. “I think that girl is living here” she whispers over the phone. “What do you mean living there?” “Well she started spending the night here last week, and now she never leaves. I mean she spends the night, stays in that room all day, then spends the night again.” Yeah that’s kind of living someplace. I tell my mom to ask my brother and call me right back because even though I am normal (but not boring) I enjoy good gossip and especially a good train wreck just as much as the next person. So my mom confronts my brother who admits that he has in fact moved this girl into my mom’s house. At this point I am truly worried because if my brother can’t come up with some bullshit story to cover his tracks then what is this world coming to? But she lost her apartment when her roommate moved out and she just got fired from her job (working at the same place as my brother, which is a whole different post believe me), so she really has no place to go. I ask my mom if she knows if Ashley herself has a mom with a guest room, because then maybe when she gets tired of them she could send them over there for a few days. But all hope is not lost, my brother has found a new apartment, and he and Ashley, who have known each other a totally of two months, will be moving out shortly, and true to their word they do. A few weeks after the move the husband, the bug and I head up North for a visit. Since our parents live with a few hours of each other we go up there every summer for two weeks for a long visit with each family. Now we arrive at my dad’s in the afternoon, but I am on the phone almost immediately with my mom to catch up on the latest and see if I will get to meet this girl while I am home. I mean I love my dad and wanted to chat and all, but he never has any good gossip, or he never remembers them, one or the other. But when I mention Ashley it’s like a light bulb goes off in his head and he drops the bomb, he just found out that day that my brother and Ashley had gone down to the courthouse and gotten married, two weeks ago. Yeah my brother got married and didn’t bother to tell anyone, his parents, his sister, his friends for two weeks. I take my father to task for not giving me this information as soon as I step foot in the freakin’ house and he acts all surprised like, but I forgot. I mean who forgets that shit? I told him to start writing this stuff down so he will always have this shit ready when I call. He actually does this which cracks me up. He has this small notebook her keeps by the phone and when some good gossip comes his way he writes it down so he will remember to tell me. I mean sometimes he gets the boring shit but misses the big stories and he leaves out a lot of details, but he is getting better. I speed dial my mom and tell her the big news, she hightails it over to my brother who says “I told you about this mom.” My mom reminds him that has yet to go senile and she thinks that she might have remembered her only son telling her he was getting married. “Well I told you we were going down to the courthouse, what did you think we were doing?” So the first time I meet my brother’s new girlfriend I am actually meeting my new sister-in-law. And it was at this little meet and greet that my brother lets something else slip, it seems she is pregnant, which certainly explains the quickie marriage, but not the hush-hush situation. But it was about to get even better because as it turns out Ashley was not pregnant at all, as a matter of fact she would make up two more pregnancies before a real one popped up and by that time my family has learned of her child from a previous relationship and her mental issues. But this post has run long enough; I will continue the saga of the crazy sister-in-law tomorrow.



  1. I totally identify with your father – I never remember to pass on the good gossip either. I was talking to my sister once, and she had apparently just gotten promoted to Lieutenant Colonel in the Air Force. Being oblivious to the command structure, I didn’t realize that this was kind of a big deal, so I said something on the order of “oh, that’s nice.” Then, according to her, since I didn’t seem to think it was a big deal, she didn’t bother to tell anyone else for a month or two, and neither did I. Oh well, I guess that’s why people tell me stuff they don’t want repeated – they know I won’t tell anyone else.

    Can’t wait to hear the next installment…although moving a girlfriend into your mom’s house and not telling your mom about it is kind of priceless.

  2. I’m horrified that a) my brother could not come up with a better back story or lie at least badly. And b) that my mom had to ask someone if she was living there, like she couldn’t tell herself!

    Dude I know nothing about the military structure so I would have been like “Oh is that cool or are they going to throw you in the brig?”

  3. […] bat shit crazy sister in law, the one married to my brother, the one who made up two pregnancies? You remember, that one. Anyway, it’s not like I hate her or anything, I just think she’s a loon, but she is […]

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