I am so not that girl

So I wrote this post on Saturday and thought that I posted it, and then Sunday when I checked back no one had commented and I was like where did my three friends go? Or maybe I was such a bitch that everyone was too polite to comment and then I remembered it was the internet and realized I didn’t post this after all. And now haha you’re all curious so you will read the long ass post below. See how I roll?

From some of the stories that I write about here one may have gotten the impression that I am always a bitch. This is not so. Don’t get me wrong I have been a bitch on more than one occasion and have been called a bitch on more than one occasion, but unless the situation warrants it I usually stay calm and polite as it has been my experience that nice works better than bitchy 99% of the time. So I usually try to handle situations with a smile and a please, but when I have to be I can be a cranky bitch. Most of the time I can keep my anger in check and pull out the teacher voice which people respond to even though they do not know why, it’s a trick of the profession. But when my temper is not in check you will usually hear some swearing, which is what happened when I told a skycab to fuck off. Now this is not a story about how the Columbus airport or Southwest Airlines suck, because they do not. We have flown with Southwest a lot and have never had any issue with them; as a matter of fact they have always been very wonderful and accommodating. Now I know that some people have had issues with Southwest, but I would guess that a lot of these issues are the fault of people not being well prepared (calm down I said a lot of, not all). For example when I fly with the bug I always have a copy of her birth certificate, why would I not? The airline needs proof of her age and her parentage and I would actually be upset if no one checked to make sure that a child flying with people was in fact their child. I also do not bitch about lines or security, these things are what they are and complaining about it will not change anything. Arrive early and follow the rules for flying, you know that you can’t carry on a bunch of liquid; everyone knows that so don’t show up to security and whine about it. And don’t get all pissy with the security people, they are just doing their job, and believe me you want them doing your job. Look I understand the frustration; my husband gets picked for extra security checks every time we fly, every time. Part if it I am sure is the fact that he is a big guy, he stands 6’4 and is built like a linebacker. He also has a titanium plate holding his ankle together so he tends to set off the metal detectors. But we don’t hate, we plan. So when we landed in Columbus from a week and a half visit with both sets of parents we were tired, and about 10 minutes before we landed the bug fell asleep, fighting it all the way. We were able to get her off the plane and into a stroller with a minimal of fuss, but we were not about to drag her onto a shuttle without a car seat and to the long term parking lot 15 miles away (ok I’m exaggerating, but it was far). So the husband stayed with the bug by the departure doors to wait for me as I grabbed the car, paid the nice parking people and brought the car around. All was working out well until I pulled up to the curb, you know the curb at the airport where cars pull up to pick up arriving passengers, you know that place that exists in every freaking airport in the world? Yeah that one. Anyway there was a skycab there who took one look at me as I threw the car into park to get out and put my child in the car and yelled “You gotta move” while waving at me with his hand. Now maybe if he would have been some young kid I would have given him a mom look as I said “excuse me?” But since he was about my dad’s age I was a little taken back and not sure what to do. So I got back into my car and pulled up further because I thought maybe they needed that area clear for some reason. I mean the guy was incredibly rude, a simple “Could you please pull up further” would have sufficed I would have done so gladly, with bells on even. I pulled up anyway because I was too tired to get too annoyed; I just wanted to get the baby into her seat and us on the road back to West Virginia, which meant a two hour drive. I got out of the car, pulled open the gate on my Jeep and while my husband got our suitcases into the back I tried to get a half asleep and very cranky toddler into her car seat. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Mr. skycab walking toward me and start waving, I took a deep breath and ignored him until he waved again and yelled to move it. That was it, I, for lack of a better phrase, lost my shit. I pulled back out of the car and said “I’m getting my kid in the car, if you don’t like that you can fuck off.” I think I scared him speechless because honestly he probably took one look at me in dressed in my khakis and ballet flats and assumed I was some sweet little girl who would get flustered and apologize; I’m not that kind of girl. The mommy outfit and car are a ruse, he just didn’t know it. And I am not in the least a little bit sorry; the guy was being a jackass. That curb is specifically for people to pick up other people at the freakin’ airport, this is how the system works. And maybe if I was dawdling along, waiting for people who were not right there or left my car to go inside he would have a point, but I wasn’t. I was picking up my husband and child, I was just taking a bit too long for his liking and that is just too fucking bad. Look I am not one of those people who thinks I should get special treatment just because I have a kid, really I don’t, but if I need an extra minute to strap my kid safely in the car, then I’m going to take that minute and I don’t really give a tiny rat’s ass what you think about that. And if you are a reasonable human being you will understand. On the other hand if you are a douche who is so upset with life because you are a 50 year old schelping luggage for a living and have to be a dick to feel better about yours, then I guess you don’t (and dude I know that someone will take offense to that last comment, but really I don’t care). My husband laughed all the way home because ever since the bug came I do not bring out bitch slap mountain momma very often, but he is amused when I do. I know I should probably feel a little bit guilty about telling off some skycab, but I don’t because honestly if you cannot be a decent human being than you need to be told off. And if I am there I will probably be the one to do it.