Posted by: mountainmomma18 | August 12, 2009

My husband is a crack whore and other stuff….

So yesterday I was pretty cranky and the husband was trying to get me in a better mood when I told him that that was annoying as fuck and since I was feeling a bit stabby he better watch it, this predictably disintegrated to us to trying to say the most outrageous things to outdo the other. We do this a lot; we actually do this instead of fighting, which works pretty well. I mean when you are getting snarky with your husband and then he says something like, “Well you’re the one who called me a crack whore and then kicked me, which I think was a little much” and then you respond with “well if you would quit blowing random guys on the street for crack money then I wouldn’t have to call you a crack whore and also I know it was you who called Maury looking for a free trip to NYC” you know that you are not fighting anymore. So the conversation yesterday went something like this: The Husband: You’re feeling stabby? You know that you are not allowed to use the sharp kitchen knives since that one time you almost cut off your finger; maybe you should change that to feeling shooty. Me: You know shooty is not a word and even if it was we don’t have a gun, we do however have knives and since I would not be trying to cut an onion I doubt I would hurt myself. The Husband: Who are you kidding, you would totally trip and stab yourself and even if you didn’t trip you would still somehow stab yourself. And that is totally why I call him a crack whore and also why he should not fall asleep anytime soon because just writing this is making me feel stabby again. Also if you and your husband have a very weird sense of humor with each other and you tell him sometimes that you guys are divorced for like the next 5 minutes, you should keep that shit to yourself and not speak in public because the check out lady at Target will totally give you strange looks and probably talk about you when you’re gone. And this will make it even funnier when your husband asks if the credit card you’re using this time is yours or the one you found in the parking lot and then the check out lady demands to see an ID and your husband starts laughing so hard he almost has to lay down on the ground in the Target store which you know is totally dirty and so you don’t let him. And then you go to Olive Garden for lunch and when your toddler starts throwing a mini fit because she is hungry and your husband pulls out his iphone to let her watch Mickey Mouse Club you can still pretend that you are fantastic parents.

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Responses

  1. You can get Mickey Mouse Club on the iPhone? Damn. Now I have to get one.

  2. Dude. I made it to the end of your last MCK comment. (You owe me a cookie.) Ha!

    (I plan to come back to give your blog a proper read — and a proper comment — later. 🙂 )

    • I am totally good at promising cookies- but I’m a totally cookie tease.

  3. Well you can download them from itunes, which is basically the same thing and works in a pinch. Also getting an iphone will make you a fantastic parent, so it’ for the kids.

  4. In-jokes are too wonderful. I think they’re like marriage glue.

  5. You guys are awesome. I love getting shopping assistants all freaked out!

    You have to admit the credit card one is pretty good, that one made me LOL. Ah, weird and bitter humor is so romantic 🙂


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