Posted by: mountainmomma18 | August 13, 2009

And this is why you should totally not sue me

So today I got yelled at for…wait for it…having my dog on a leash. Yes, that’s right; I was obviously behaving irresponsibly when I took my dog outside on a leash. Ok, that sounds super bitchy so let me explain. We have a back yard, but it is not so much a back yard as a valley, a huge hill like structure that people have fallen into to never return. Hey we live on the side of a mountain, you get used to it and then it becomes normal and then when people are like oh my god your back yard, you think what – you have a flat backyard, how passé. Now if this was my house the backyard would drive me crazy cause who has a sinkhole for a backyard, but since we rent I’m not concerned. Just so you understand the sinkhole in my back yard does not belong to me, but to my landlords, so if you are thinking of jumping in and then trying to sue me, think again, also you wouldn’t get shit, except for my really old copy of Cather in the Rye, which is about the most expensive thing I own. And you know that when you have old books they are not for reading right? Cause if you start reading my 1951 copy of Cather I swear to god I would have to cut someone. You would also have to take one of my cheap $3.99 versions and make do with that. I see a variety of problems with this also because what if that person says something stupid like “I’ve never read that book,” or “I read it already and it sucked,” cause god knows that will also get you stabbed, so the moral of the story is if you try to sue me you will probably get stabbed. Where was I? Oh yeah, so this morning I get the bug settled with a sippy of milk, a new diaper and some Yo Gabba Gabba (don’t blame me this is my husband’s doing) so I get do frivolous things like make coffee and let the dog out. So since my backyard is a sinkhole we head out to the front. But in the middle of his morning constitutional, a jogger runs by. Of course my dog, you know being a dog, barks and tried to run over to the lady. But he does not want to bite her, he would however like to lick her and see if she has treats in her pocket. So I pull him back to sit beside me just like that dog whisperer guy and the lady stops and stares at me for a minute. I yell, sorry- and kind of hold up the leash like, see he’s on a leash and will definitely not try to rip out your jugular or more likely drool all over you. Then she gives me a look and says, I shit you not, “He shouldn’t be outside,” then runs off, I think because she knows I would have totally taken her down. But since I don’t run, I mean I might run if someone were chasing me, with a knife or something, but totally not for fun. Also I should have dropped the leash and let the dog jump on her and lick her, totally getting snot on her pristine white racer-back workout shirt, but I didn’t and so really I am a hero. But I was kind of pissed; I mean where would this lady like me to take me dog so that he can shit? I mean this is not some small lap dog, he’s a big one, so you know his dropping are big enough and since I already spend all day wiping someone’s ass I am not looking to do the same with the dog. Maybe I should take the dog to white shirt lady’s house and he can shit on what I imagine are white carpets as well. Or maybe I should just give her a copy of Cather in the Rye and then, well you know what would happen, see above.

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Responses

  1. I would totally take up jogging…with the dog. And I would start my run whenever she passes your house. And then I would trip and drop the leash and let the dog lick her. Then I would follow her home so the dog could poop on her lawn.

    Or you could just eliminate all the middle parts, stab her, and toss her in the sinkhole.

    Also, I read that book, and it didn’t make much of an impression on me, because I don’t remember any of it and I have no urge to read it again. Sorry.

  2. ha ha ha next time you should just let your dog shit all over her path.

  3. I got screamed at for letting my dog escape my house BY ACCIDENT without a leash. Because there ARE leash laws.

    Assbag.

  4. Next time…let go of the leash. Please. And then have a video recorder going to catch the attack of licks!

  5. Freakish person. I hate it when big dogs come too close to me, but it’s going a bit far complaining someone has their dog outside.

  6. Laughing at a’s comment!

    Guess all dogs should be inside, at the Westminster Kennel Club show or some other snooty thing.


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