Posted by: mountainmomma18 | December 2, 2009

And today….

First of all I want to say wow, thank you, all of you. In my quest to find some community in which I could fit now that all of this has happened, it seems the community found me. Thank you LFCA, you found me when I needed you most. And thank you to whoever put that in motion, really. I have never been what you would call a religious person, I mean I was raised Catholic, a religion my husband and I still practice. And by practice I mean we go to church every Sunday and observe practices like not eating meat on Fridays during lent, which just means we aren’t Christmas and Easter Catholics. My faith in God is strong, my faith in humans not so much, so I do often find myself at odds with the Church, not God, the church because I do not think it is a sin to be gay and the only one who knows what God said is God and maybe Mother Theresa, but that’s all. I also find it obnoxious when people quote scripture at you for everything, because it usually implies that you are somehow not doing something correct in your spiritual quest. But again I’m Catholic and we don’t tend to be too obnoxious about religion, you know like asking if people have found god or are saved (note I do not find it obnoxious if you believe these things, only if you won’t shut up about it), the only people who tend to lecture like that are priests and nuns and that’s ok because that’s their job and stuff. What I find odd right now about my faith is that it has been strengthened, not lessened by the loss of our baby. This is odd because I would have thought I would be the one railing against god for this, but I’m not. I think it’s because I know God would never be that cruel, he would not have caused our baby do die just because, there was a reason. He has a plan. Now I do not want this post to go off of the rails, but since I tend to go inward when I am upset and not out toward other people I am trying to make sense of my tangled thoughts (even as I know rhetorically that is strange since this is a blog post and it is going outward, but I am turning off my English professor mind for awhile). Specifically I am thinking about tomorrow, how at 9:30 we were supposed to have another look at the baby, make sure he/she was growing and hopefully find out the sex. But since the best explanation any of the doctors have is that there was probably a chromosomal anomaly, the day would not have been as happy as I thought it would be. They probably would have found that there was something wrong and then we would have been faced with decisions, or rather faced with coming to terms with decisions that had already been made. The husband and I had this discussion before we had the bug, what would we do if something was found wrong with one of our children? Our agreement was instant, we would do nothing, we would not terminate and we would, as cheesy as it sounds, let God’s will be done. Now I am not as articulate as I usually am today, so please believe me when I say that my sharing this with you is not a judgment on anyone who had faced that situation and made a different decision, really I am not. And believe me I am a judgmental person, usually about stuff like “Honey what possessed you to buy and then wear those shoes, in public no less” or “dude did the car really only come in babyshit yellow?” The important stuff is for someone else (no not you) to judge, it is above my pay grade. I am just saying that this was our decision. I wonder if God took that decision away from us so that we would not have to make it. Is it possible that my mother is right when she tells me that God only gives us what we can handle and maybe I should stop grinding my teeth and listen to her occasionally. I don’t know, I will probably never know that. And right now what I don’t know would fill an amphitheatre. What I do know is that I am not looking forward to when this calm cloud lifts. Wish me luck.

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Responses

  1. I’m glad that God is comforting you now. Come back and read this again when the calm cloud lifts.

  2. May he continue to provide you comfort. May you be able to remember that feeling on your dark days and may your good days outnumber your dark days.


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