Posted by: mountainmomma18 | December 4, 2009

Square Peg

Yesterday was hard, for many reasons, the first of all being that at 9:30 that morning we were supposed to have our big ultrasound, the one that tells us if we are painting the new nursery pink or green, the one that would settle our names discussion since if it was another girl we would not have to bring up the husband’s favorite name, Stanley, again and I would not have to make faces whenever I heard it mentioned (I mean I think a kid would not like the name Stanley, no matter who he was named after). But instead I am left not knowing, not knowing what caused us to lose our baby or what name I can give to a baby whose sex we do not know. The husband has always thought it was another girl, and while I said I thought it was a boy I really didn’t, I agreed, it was probably a girl. So in my head I have been thinking of the baby as a her, and for some reason I have been calling her Lucy. Of course this all only happens in my head, I wonder if other people would think I was a little crazy if they knew what was going on there. I have been spending a lot of time online, reading and trying to find out where I might fit, where I might find some community. After the first few days I quit researching the reasons behind a second trimester miscarriage, there were no answers there and I was torturing myself. But because I just cannot deal with the real people I know and that damn head tilt (you know the one they give you when they ask how you are) I went looking for online strangers that I could relate to, the search has been so/so. I started at a place I already went to, a pregnancy/parenting website with message boards. I have been posting over there for a few years, since I was pregnant with the bug, I mean I wonder over there when I am bored and stuff. So I checked out the pregnancy loss board, but I didn’t feel very welcome, I shouldn’t say that because I never posted anything, I just lurked for awhile and realized that while the women there seemed super supportive that they also did not like signatures on posts that included pictures of children or pregnancy counters. I get that, really I do but I am not ready to delete the bug’s cute picture of riding a carousel at the county fair this summer just to post on a message board. Mostly because I cannot even imagine what this time would be like if I didn’t have her. Would I have curled up in bed for days on end watching Law and Order marathons if someone didn’t need a diaper change and a sippy of milk? Probably. But instead I am forced to get up and play dollies and listen to toddler laughs and get sloppy kisses, I cannot even put into words how much all of that has helped me. Even her temper tamptrums are somehow more precious to me. Believe me I know that that will wear off sooner rather than later. But I do not blame these women, a lot of them do not have any children to take up all of those hours, but I need mine. So off I went to find some other spaces, but more often than not I feel like a square peg (does anyone remember that show? SJP before Sex and the City? I mean I barely remember that show). Somehow I have a hard time seeing where I can fit in. Many of the people I have come across struggle with infertility, this has not been part of our story. Through sheer dumb luck and clockwork cycles I have gotten pregnant both times right away. Now I do not know what the future holds and in July I will be 35, but for now the doctors have not seen any issues with me. But I have found some good blogs through this, reading about other people’s struggles has made me feel better. So has writing, but getting my thoughts out on paper (or micrsoft documents) has always helped me, probably why I went into the profession I am in. So for now I will write here and continue read other people and think about the ways I am so lucky as I follow the big around and pick up small bits of cookie and slobber. To end on a funny note I have to tell you about this. We are finishing our move this weekend, and while we are only moving 15 minutes away it is to this tiny little town with a population of like 3,000 people. So when we were there yesterday I noticed how cold it was, well cold for WV, not for two former Midwesterners. I was annoyed with the gas company thinking that they never turned it on on Monday like they said they would. So after waiting 15 minutes this morning and getting ready to rip someone a new one I find out that they were just there on Wednesday taking a reading, could the pilot have gone out? I have no clue mostly because I have no idea what a pilot light is. So despite assurances from the husband that he would check, I decided to bypass the whole thing and call the property manager (yes we are renting because even though we are ready to buy, no one told the WV housing market that and it SUCKS!). He assures me that he will head over to the house and take care of it, but very quickly I get another call, it seems that someone has stolen our gas meter. What. The. Fuck? I didn’t even know this was a possibility, I mean what the hell does one do with a gas meter once you have stolen it? The gas man my husband met with today says that it is actually not uncommon, I guess someone who needs gas goes looking for an empty house with the gas still on and just takes it. Again I have to say what the fuck? The only downside now is that our house, in the 3,000 tiny little town outside of the city is now considered high risk for crime and someone will always have to be home if the gas man has to come. I am so very pleased.

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Responses

  1. Why yes, I do remember Square Pegs (not that I ever watched it). I also am one. 🙂 The older I get, the farther away from normal I seem.

    Where do you fit? You’re a mom, you’re a woman, you’re a professional, you’re a writer, you’re a person who weird things happen to, you’re a wife, you’re a renter, you’ve lost a baby. That’s all I know from you’re writing, but I imagine you’re much more. There is no perfect hole for you – you just keep looking around for one that fits you comfortably enough.

    WTF, WV? How could stealing a gas meter benefit you? I’m guessing things are different there, because where I live, I’ve never heard of anyone doing that. And I work in a crime lab, so if anyone had, I’d have heard about it.

  2. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of someone stealing a gas meter. Hm. Now I’ve heard it all.

    I’m sorry that you’re hurting. I’ve been thinking of you a lot.

    xoxo


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