Posted by: mountainmomma18 | February 15, 2010

I don’t know if this is a good plan…..

So we hang out with another couple about our age whose daughter is about six weeks older than the bug. We get together and watch the girls tear the house apart and drink beer and make fun of people (only famous people I swear and maybe some students) interrupted by shouts of “we do not hit” and “everyone take turns” and “would you like to go to time-out?” And because we both have daughters the husbands discuss all of the ways in which they will scare away potential suitors. Now our friend, besides being an art professor is also a good old’ Louisiana boy and so believes in the whole clean your guns when a boy comes to call and let him know that you have no qualms about hunting him down. The husband’s plan is that the bug cannot date until he is dead. I got off easy, my dad just said I could not date until I was 32. As a matter of fact on my 32nd birthday he called to say he was glad I could finally date and I said something like “Dad I have been married for 4 years and am 3 months pregnant.” He said he knew all of that but just wanted to remind me that I could finally date my husband. He thinks he is really funny.

But after awhile the boys came up with a better plan, they would hope that the girls were lesbians because then they would not have to worry about any penis ever. We tried hard to convince the boys that this would not really help since relationships are relationships and hence would have the same angst that everyone needs to deal with. And hoping your daughter’s sexuality turns out a certain way does not really work (and please do not comment or email me some bullshit about how sexuality is a choice and being gay is an abomination because you’re wrong and annoying and if you think that way I would prefer not to know you- harsh but true). But it seems I missed the whole point which comes down to peni (my new word for plural penis) because I guess peni only want one thing and that one thing can lead to teenage pregnancy. So the whole lesbian thing is an attempt to sidestep any chance of becoming a grandpa too early. Sex that does not include penis with actual sperm I guess is more favorable because it could not lead to young grandparentship. I find it hard to disagree with that logic although I doubt the public schools will adopt it, but I think that they should go with Barefoot Foodie’s “Less Jesus, more Taint” movement. I think that would help immensely.



  1. There have (surprisingly) been no discussions about my daughter dating. I think my husband sincerely plans to act like a serial killer and scare boys away.

  2. Yeah, it all revolves around denying that she will ever grow up and threatening any boy who does come around.

  3. Your dad! Heh.

    Funny how girls inspire gun ownership. Before we had our Bug and didn’t know his sex, my husband’s friend said, “If it’s a girl, we’ll go out and buy guns!”

    Should I mention that guns could be a phallic symbol? Hmm.

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