Posted by: mountainmomma18 | April 22, 2010

What should have been

Today I took the day off of work. I just could not imagine being in any kind of state of mind to discuss thesis statements and metaphors in Charles Dickens. Because today I should have a baby, I should be counting little toes and remembering just how exhausting having a newborn is, but I’m not and I am pretty bitter about it. I keep thinking about what should be happening, what I should be doing, what I should have that I think this week I have been neglecting the present.  Yesterday I woke up in a particularly grumpy mood and after some coffee took the bug outside to water the flowers, one of her favorite things to do lately, and as I set on the steps watching her poor copious amounts of water on some lawn dandelions with her little turtle water can I thought about all the things that I do have. It struck me that maybe instead of spending my day thinking about what could have been I should spend it celebrating what I have, and remembering the little life that made us so happy for 19 weeks. Maybe that would be a better way to spend a day that was supposed to be filled with promise- to make it be filled with promise. So today we will go to the park and maybe water some more dandelions. We will plant some new flowers, and one very special oleander bush, and we will set free some balloons in remembrance. I will kiss little strawberry blonde curls and tickle little feet and promise that no matter what happens in the future, I will always be thankful for what I have this day. Now I am aware that this attitude is a bit at odds with my normal angst and dry wit, so I know I will never be perfect at it, but it’s a journey and I can try- and fail and try again. In the meantime there are turtle watering cans and a little girl who loves dandelions.

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Responses

  1. It’s difficult to be thankful for what we do have, especially when we’re missing something. Keep up the good work.

  2. A beautiful idea. I’m letting up an imaginary balloon in honour of both your babies. I hope you can enjoy what you have, but there’s nothing wrong with mourning what you don’t as well. x

  3. I’m so sorry. I’m just so sorry. Love you.


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