So I hit a wall in my workout routine. I don’t mean I stopped doing it or haven’t been sore. What I mean is that all this physical activities is bringing up a bunch of emotional stuff I totally didn’t expect. As I have said before I am not an overly emotional wallowing kind of person. I know that I have emotions and that they are totally normal and stuff- I just don’t like to deal with them all that much. I’m the kind of person who really is not cool with a hug from someone who is not related to me or been my friend for multiple years. All of this is kind of weird considering my hippie parents and their openness about emotions- often my punishment was to discuss why I did something wrong- say coming home past my curfew instead of just being grounded like a normal person. And I mean this was a punishment for me, not my parents.
Maybe the problem is that I feel things too deeply and I would prefer to push it down rather than sort it through. This is probably not the healthiest way to work through issues- but it’s what I do. And most of the time I do this by making myself so busy that I do not have time to sit and think or feel. If I don’t have time for it, then I don’t have to deal with it. But now I am walking on a treadmill five days a week and for some reason no matter which one I chose I am always next to the TV tuned to the Fox new channel- I think Glen Beck may be following me- he’s somehow found out about the smack I have been talking about him. And while my music is a welcome distraction my mind tends to wonder and ruminate. And I was totally not ready for what that brings up, the other day I almost burst into tears right there in the middle of the YMCA. What. The. Hell?
I’ve noticed that the pain of my miscarriage has almost been worse since April because now I think “I should have a baby right now.” And while I would probably be sleep deprived and covered in spit-up I would be so happy. But I am not there- and I am not entirely or always happy. I am also not pregnant again- for the third month. This probably does not sound like a long time and I will probably get some bad juju from saying this- but the two times I have been pregnant it happened the first month- so now my anxiety is just growing- even though I know that it shouldn’t. But below everything is my fear that I will not be able to have another child. And while I am so grateful for my daughter I do want more children and I am not getting any younger- in less than a month I will be 35. Although I will tell you that the other day I was totally carded for some wine and the checkout kid was like “we have to card anyone who looks under 30” and I wanted to run away with him forever.
I know that I need to calm the fuck down and learn to somehow deal with my inner control freak type A personality but I would like to do this without a shitload of Xanax. I mean I love Xanax when I have to fly because you would never get me into a plane without one of those things- but I don’t want to have to use it on a regular basis. So I have turned to an old standby- yoga. I have started taking a yoga class twice a week- which I have been really enjoying. I have done yoga off and on for like the last 6 years- but everything has been self taught through books and DVD’s. This may be the way that I taught myself to knit- but it probably was not the best way to learn something like yoga. So now I am taking a class and really after two weeks I am in love. It’s so calm and peaceful and not at all pretentious and crazy like some yoga studios because this is a class at the Y- so I totally do not feel self-conscious about my left over baby gut (and yes I am totally away that my baby is 2). I am hopeful that all of this will help me not only get into some better physical shape which will help the baby thing I think- but also maybe help with some of the emotional things I am loathe to actually face.
But right now my mom is in town which is awesome because she totally gets up with the bug and tells me to go back to bed and get some more sleep because I look tired. Got to love the grandma- except for all the sugar that she is loading the bug up with!